Sleep well, Michael Gams

It is Veteran's Day today and this post is about a fallen Marine. But he didn't die in war. He wasn't killed. He wasn't sick either. Michael Gams, former marine and my co-worker, just committed suicide.

When Annalea told me, just seconds after she received the phone call from our boss Chelsea, I couldn't grasp it. I still can't. I will never see Michael smile again.

Michael and I knew each other through work and we didn't hang out much outside of work; only for his engagement party and the occasional "pau hana," as they call the after work beer here in Hawai'i.

Nevertheless, I considered him a friend. I liked him. I cared for him and I have been worried about him for quite some time. I guess I don't have to worry anymore. What I feared the most has already happened.

The should-have's, would-have's and could-have's are soaring around in my brain and down to my chest and gut like contained dust devils trying to get out. I should have told him I cared about him, I could have let Jordan talk to him for longer that last time we saw him on Halloween, had I known then I would have kept my mouth shut instead of making that joke about his ex-fiancé last time we worked together, I should have seen the signs, I could have done something.

In the end there is no use in thinking "what if;" it no longer matters. Death is final.

A few weeks ago he posted this on Facebook:
"To anyone that I have hurt during the past two weeks, I sincerely apologize."

Apologizing is not enough. I don't know if my tears are out of sadness or anger. I cannot forgive him for taking his own life. How could he do that to his mom? She is now all alone in this world with no other children. How could he do that to his ex-fiancé? She is 18 years old and left him less than two months ago. How could he do that to us, his co-workers and friends? How could he, and why? He had plans, he was excited, he had a future. Why? Why? Why?

It seems like everyone around me are trying to handle this by remembering good things about Michael or imagining that he's somewhere on a cloud looking down on all of us. I wish I could be that naïve, I wish I could see this in a positive way. But I cannot. There is nothing positive about a young man taking his own life. There is only tragedy.

Michael was the only person I know to blow himself up by accident and survive, come face to face with a 15 foot tiger shark by accident and survive, and now he is the only friend I have that is no longer alive. May he Rest In Paradise forevermore.

"Live to love, love to live. No regrets."
-Michael Gams (1990-2013)

Location:Ewa Beach, O'ahu

Night time. I'm in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a boat that is moored hundreds of feet away from one of the darkest inhabited islands I know. It is so dark and there are no clouds. The stars are more prevalent than I have ever seen them before. The chilly breeze and the clucking of the waves makes me feel more present; more a part of the world. Yet looking up at the stars makes me feel distant and put aside. It reminds me of a strip of Calvin and Hobes that I read recently. Calvin is looking up at the stars, screaming: "I matter! ... Said the speck of dust."

Catch-Up

I have a bunch of stuff that I haven't shared with you yet. So here we go. :)


Captain Gabe and Alyssa in the helm of Ocean Voyager


Me and Tommy cuddling after a long day at work.


Sunrise at the mooring.


Ma'alaea harbor


My favorite cheese! I found it at Costco. It takes me back to the good ol' days. Lol


Annalea driving the skiff.


Ocean Voyager at Molokini.


Molokini from above. Our boat is in the middle. I'm in a kayak next to the boat.


George goofing around as always.


Flying fish that jumped onboard our boat.


Brian bbq'd it.


It was delicious.


Captain Gabe liked it too.


Mikey left the galley to pretend to be a captain for a while.


Annie


Captain Doug Hunt, or "the Loop" as we call him since he was the first person to pull off a back flip in a windsurfing competition back in the day. Yep, that's an aloha shirt and yep, it's his captain's shirt.


Laura on the bow of Ocean Intrigue at Molokini.


Me and the wedding ring I found at the bottom of Molokini. Does anyone know Anthony and Samantha?


Iao Valley


Iao Valley

Me and Jordan at the top of our hike.





We said hi to the piggies in Lahaina. It fell asleep I. My lap.


Roses from Jordan


Leo and Tom


I've been cooking a lot lately and I like it. Tried some stuff from a cook book my dad sent me...


While trying a new beer.


Back to work. Here's Laura in the water.





Ted life guarding


Dinner. Seared ahi, risotto, and strawberry-avocado salad.


Until next time! Cheers!

Flossie

Location:Kihei, Maui

A Perfect Day

Work and then surf. Could a day be more complete? What blessing to be out in the water with friends and turtles. What blessing to be doing a sport that you are really bad at but still love immensely because it brings you to the ocean and teaches you something new every time. What blessing to never stop learning about the ocean.

Me, Anna, Laura and Drew went to a surf spot called grandma's after work. We stayed in the water for a couple of hours before hunger and fatigue drove us out of it. After all, we had all been working since early that morning.
While I was sitting on my surf board in the water, waiting for a wave to come in, a turtle slowly swam up to the surface less than a meter away from the tip of my board. It took a breath of air and then dove back down. It was beautiful.

I see turtles everyday and normally don't care too much about it. They all pretty much look the same. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Kind of like humpback whales, they're pretty much the same.

I always knew in my head that I was spoiled. At one point in my life, I would have given anything to see a whale, dolphin or turtle. I am certainly not the only one to ever have felt that way. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

For some reason, when I saw that turtle today I could feel it. That feeling lasted for the rest of the surf session. It lasted through the ride home in Laura's car. I felt appreciation of Maui, the island that has been my home me for the past two years. I felt happiness for being allowed to experience it, all of it; "mauka (mountain) to makai (sea water)."

It is funny how perspective works. Me leaving Maui is getting closer. True to my tradition, I am starting to see things in a different light. All of a sudden, everything looks better, or perhaps I just see them better.
In short, I am enjoying Maui and I will miss her when I leave.

A Day on Ocean Intrigue

Beautiful day in Molokini yesterday. Here's Laura doing her fish and coral reef ecology presentation for the guests on our way out to Molokini.

The Pacific was calm as a lake and blank as a mirror.


Jeff bbq'd some chicken for lunch.

I was life guarding in the kayak.

On our way home we passed this dude. Only in Maui... :))

Maui Roast

I shouldn't spend nearly as much money on coffee as I do but it's hard not to when my favorite part of the day is this:

Location:Ma'alaea Harbor